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Stop the insanity (Installment #2)

gravybt's picture
Hassle


Submitted by gravybt on Mon, 01/15/2007 - 9:56pm.

So I had my initial session with the trainer. It was uneventful, i tried to instill in her just how lazy and inert i was. that i know what to do i'm just unable to overcome inertia. I'm going to do 45 minutes of cardio 3x a week and lift under her direction 2x a week. So I guess we start on Wednesday.

Since this initial session was a waste of time (and money), I will instead focus on a more ancillary topic in this installment. That is, just how ungay the lockerroom was.

 I know what you're thinking. Isn't this the YMCA?

So let me explain. The last gym i belonged to had the gayest locker room ever. any time you walked in you felt like you were interrupting something. All these old men would walk around nekkid. If they were clothing I would rewash before ironing. One would famously use the hot air hand dryer on his crotch. (with his hands folded behind his head). We joined so we could play raquetball. I boycotted the lockerroom due to the gayness and would generally use the small lockerroom at work instead and drive over.

My buddy wasn't as wise. One day he came in, carefully hung up his slacks on a rack, put the rest of his clothes in the locker and played raquetball. After playing, he went to the locker room and started changing. Some guy next to him announces "Oh man I forgot my underwear.", which in retrospect was a strange thing to say.

So then he looks around for his pants and he can't find them. so he looks over at the guy without the underwear who was proceeding to put my buddy's pants on. the guy was wearing nothing but flip-flops. the pants were too small for this guy so when he got up to the crotch, he kept gyrating and rubbing his bare nads against the zipper/fly. my friend goes "d00d! those are my pants." and the guy goes "oh, sorry". and puts them back.

so my friend sat there for about 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do. he felt that he had no choice but to put the pants on.

So the Y isn't like that at all. First of all people don't just hang out in the locker room. They're there to change. The lockers are set up in rows so it's not conducive to conversation or homosex. most people were talking about football without any veiled references.

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koyaan's picture

claustro-homophobia

Submitted by koyaan on Tue, 01/16/2007 - 12:45pm.

Sounds like the Village People made the general public aware of the homosexual Roman orgies they used to have in the YMCA locker rooms in the early 70s, and so all the closeted old men could no longer tell their wives they were “going to the Y”. So now there's some role reversal. That's wild, but it makes sense.

I don't go to the gym anymore, and to be perfectly honest it has a lot to do with the creep-out factor. Let me first say I'm not even slightly homophobic (with the exception of the time a guy grabbed my ass in a bar and slipped his fingers in my asscrack. That made me violent. I don't even let my fiancé put anything in the crack of my ass. But I digress...). I seem to have this ongoing problem with guys who are closeted-- the kind who have yet to even admit to themselves that they are not interested in women. It usually goes something like this: I'll be hanging out with my friends and some of their friends who I don't really know. Some guy with a really close shave and a shirt two sizes too small will start staring at me relentlessly. I'll try and deal with it for as long as I possibly can, until finally I see red and snap. I end up in a barking match with a guy who isn’t making any sense. One time the guy was accusing me of “hitting on his girl,” because he didn’t like the way I made eye contact with her while she was addressing me. Then, someone who knows the guy will start telling me he does this sort of thing all the time. Then I explain how he was staring at me in a creepy way, and they inevitably tell me that all his friends secretly think he’s gay.

Every time I join a gym I notice that its members are made up of about 60% of these closeted mental cases. It makes me really uncomfortable to be stared at like that. I CAN NOT work out in that environment. It’s NOT the same way someone who is “checking you out” looks at you; it’s more like the way a serial killer or child molester would look at their prey. Perhaps my excellent peripheral vision gets me into trouble because I can usually tell when someone is staring at me in this fashion. But the thing that's really funny to me is the idea that if there was a gym called “The Big Gay Homo Gym”, I'd feel a thousand times more comfortable going there than I would at a regular gym filled with closet cases.

Anyway, what did your friend end up doing with all of that fresh-grated scrotum?

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel.

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fongaboo's picture

A well-oiled machine

Submitted by fongaboo on Tue, 01/16/2007 - 10:44pm.

"You just don't know the thrill of grabbing a well-oiled man with your bare hands and pinning him the mat.."

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koyaan's picture

FLASHBACK

Submitted by koyaan on Wed, 01/17/2007 - 11:46pm.

OMG Fong, that brought back a memory I wish I didn't ever remember.

I think it was in summer camp back in the 80's. One of the younger campers' father was some lunatic wrestling coach (that happened to look exactly like Mario from Mario Bros™), and the town decided it was a good idea to pay him money to scream at us and make us feel worthless because we weren't already on the wrestling team. He called upon his son who, if I remember correcly, was already donning a wrestling unitard and all of the proper padding and guards. He then pleaded with us, by screaming at us, that we were useless unless we got up there and let his son beat the shit out of us.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

He said that if we let his son "take on" any of us, we'd somehow learn wrestling moves and be better people for it. And then one by one, kids were called up and taken down by Marios' sweaty, unitard-wearing son.

Do you remember this? I remember in my head thinking, "SAY NO, THEN GO AND TELL!" Like something was seriously wrong with this situation. I remember when it was my turn, I pleaded with this lunatic saying that my Mom didn't want me to fight- that she sent me to camp to have fun, and that I really didn't think being forced to fight someone was fun.

Then one of the councelors told me that if I didn't participate in the event I'd get sent to the camp director, RALPH NICOLETTI. God, what a fucking misogynistic, piece-of-shit douchebag that guy was. I pray that he or someone who knows him comes across this post one day and comments... with the exception of his wife or daughter who I always thought were rather nice people. I often wondered how they ever put up with such a fucking ignorant dickhead...

Anyway, faced with a tough decision, I chose it would be a better move to let this guy's son dry hump me with his unitard onto the canvas and humiliate me in front of all of my peers.

To my best knowledge, I've never been molested. But I felt truly violated that day. And since that day, whenever I play Mario Kart™, Mario Party™ or any other Mario Bros™ based Nintendo games, I ALWAYS pick Luigi.

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel.

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Mechangel's picture

FACT! I watch DVD extras!

Submitted by Mechangel on Fri, 01/19/2007 - 2:03pm.

I found out by watching the special features on the Super Mario Bros Super Show DVD that Mario IS indeed a wrestler!!! Well, at least the big guy Lou Albano, that plays him is a big sweaty wrestler.

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gravybt's picture

what are you, 20?

Submitted by gravybt on Fri, 01/19/2007 - 9:17pm.

lou albano was mario on an afternoon tv show that aired in 1989.
linky

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koyaan's picture

The Rubberband Man

Submitted by koyaan on Fri, 01/19/2007 - 3:37pm.

Fact: I was dry humped in public by Captain Lou Albano's son.

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel.

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gravybt's picture

closet factor

Submitted by gravybt on Tue, 01/16/2007 - 8:46pm.

yes the closet factor is a problem. i had a friend who was lifting in college and some guy who seemed to always be there was really eager to spot him. he kept making veiled comments like "looking good from back here" and stuff when he was squating. finally, he was benchpressing with the guy practically rubbing his bicycle short covered crotch in his face. he was trapped by the weights, couldn't get out of it.he finished his reps and never went back.

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koyaan's picture

Hey, sailor!

Submitted by koyaan on Wed, 01/17/2007 - 11:57pm.

That IS creepy. I heard things like that used to happen all the time in a certain bathroom on SUNY Albany's campus.

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel.

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Mechangel's picture

Stolen Gym moments

Submitted by Mechangel on Tue, 01/16/2007 - 11:16am.

So.. my mother had one of those key tag gym passes for Golds. The kind people get to LOOK like they work out. And never used it, so I "borrowed" it to check the place out. I was met with icy glares at the checkpoint, and the soldier on guard said "Good evening, LISA" with contempt. I'm guessing I didn't look like i was born in 1964, but whatever. The locker room wasn't at all scary. But is WAS the Womens room after all.

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gravybt's picture

MMMmmm hot asian

Submitted by gravybt on Tue, 01/16/2007 - 9:24pm.

with a big squishy head

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