It’s like everyone I know is in a band. Or, they know someone in a band. And all of these bands are bonded by the same heartbreaking disillusionment – that they actually have a chance to make it big. They all think they are on the verge of stardom. They just need a producer to hear their fresh new sound, and they’ll be promptly signed. But in these sad days of mega media conglomerates, you have a better chance of winning Guitar Hero 2 than breaking into the biz. As a result, most of these talented artists will give up, and trade in their guitars for cubicles. Some will “fight back” and start their own record label. But instead of starting an underground revolution, they’ll be left with massive debt, a garage full of CDs, and bitter resentment. What a waste.

Now you understand why I want to punch children when mutants like FERGIE blow up the FM dial. Sure, I could channel my rage to any number of talentless whores, but there is something special about this leatherface poser that makes me want to get out the garlic & holy water every time I see her fugly face.

Fergie (whose real name is Stacy Ferguson) first got our attention as the singer/eye candy in the Black Eyed Peas. Her urban edge & reported meth habit helped bring the band a little bit of street cred. And soon, she was shaking her ass for the world, passionately singing about her "Lovely Lady Lumps" (and after a bit of research, I discovered that ‘lady lumps’ was infact NOT a medical condition).

She was so talented that she decided to branch off on her own. And about time too. This country needs more diversity in it's pop culture. I'm sick of those stupid crackers like Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. There’s just one problem. Fergie is whiter than an albino dove.

That's right. This 32 year old hag pulled a reverse Michael Jackson. She started off being a California white girl singing on Kids Inc, but somehow grew up representin' the latino ghetto. I'm just waiting for my balloon animal, because she's the most awesomest magician ever.

I just realized I haven't even GOTTEN to the review of her latest music video. Let me do that now.

So, the video for "Fergalicious" takes place in "FergieLand". After watching afew seconds you realize that "FergieLand" is the perfect place to get herpes and type 2 diabetes. Incase, you know, you were looking for a deal this holiday season.

I haven't quite figured out why, when you're 32, you would want to look and sound like you're 6. At least when Mariah Carey went through her butterfly & rainbows phase, it was kind of cute. Like, in a Little Miss Sunshine sort of way. But when Fergie acts like a little girl, it's just creepy. And pathetic. Like those desperate mothers who try to wear their teenage daughter’s jeans and talk to them about the O.C.

And what the fuck is up with her face? She's had so much plastic surgery, she seriously looks like a Jabba-The-Hut /Kristie Alley hybrid.

Now, about 2:53 into the video, Fergie flashes some sort of I-pod phone thing that is blurred out. The I-pod phone thingy plays "Fergalicious"- the very song the music video is set to. Come to find out later, it is a promotional item she is giving away on her webpage. Man, I remember the good old days when companies paid artists or producers to simply place their product in the frame. Now, it seems as though Fergie’s fresh new hit was made specifically to sell these gadgets. And they don’t even care enough to be subtle. That’s how little they respect you.

I’m not even going to review the lyrics. I don’t hate myself that much. I am, however, going to give the other Black Eyed Pea dude one little hint. “Tasty” is not spelled T- A-S-T-E-Y. At least when Gwen Stefani spelled things out in her embarrassingly pitiful solo tracks, she spelled it right.

So, in conclusion, Fergie is a monster and should commit suicide immediately. And then maybe some of those well deserving artists could get some airtime. And maybe then, my eyes and ears would stop bleeding, and children would stop getting punched.